AnonymousCoworker

When I was driving to pick up ACWGF to bring her back to my place I was in a strange mood. I felt great that I was going to Chicago, and I was happy to not have to go to work the next day. At the same time, I kinda wanted to break free of all the day to day stuff. I knew good times were ahead, and that I would get a change of scenery, but the doldrums still had their clutches on me.

So I thought about what I frequently think about when I’m driving: causing accidents. Before you worry about me, let me clear things up by letting you know that I have no desire to end my life. There are too many things to see, too many things to eat and drink, and too many people to know. This is not something that I would consider.

But, I do think about what it would be like if I lived in a Grand Theft Auto world. What if I stomped on the accelerator and went over that embankment? Would the car explode? Would I go over, or would the car hit and bounce off? If the car bounced off, would it roll? Could I block traffic for hours? What if I floored it until I reached top speed, dodging traffic all along the way? How many times would the car roll if I jerked the wheel to the left and hit the emergency brake? Could I catch air off the back of that empty car trailer? When I landed, would I pull over, or would I keep going? Oh, there’s a cop. Should I sideswipe him? I know he can outpace me, but could I lose him? What if I stayed on the highway, then made a move for the exit at the last second? And what if I went off the exit after that? Could I make it all the way to Mexico?

That’s when I had a really great idea, but unfortunately an idea I would not be able to fulfill. I decided, in my head, in another alternate reality, that I was going to drive south. I figured it wouldn’t take too long, and I could sleep in my car. I drive an old Tercel, and it’s covered with bumper stickers. I’m sure I would draw the ire of some. I would stop at all the little roadside diners, and take pictures of all the weird Americana that I saw. I may pick up a few hitchhikers, but I wasn’t sure about that yet. Whenever someone would ask where I was going, I would simply say, “South.”

I slowly wind my way south, crossing the Mississippi, and heading deep into Texas. Driving past thousand acre cattle ranches and “The Largest Cross in the Western Hemisphere.” However, I was bummed because I would only be able to get as far south as Mexico. Then I realized that the border between the US and Mexico was as realistic as everything keeping me from driving south in the first place, and I then started driving to the southern tip of Argentina, once again, in my head.

I’d pass through Mexico City, and be sure to keep my door locked from the scoundrels who carjack you, kidnap you, take you to an ATM, make you take out $300, and then leave you on the side of the road. I’d pass through towns that resembled sets from Robert Rodriguez movies. I’d wonder if these towns were towns that he had based his sets off of.

I’d practice my Spanish as I drove, and communicate in English only when possible. I’d scan the radio station to find whatever music, or announcements, or sports reports were being transmitted. I’d try to stop in the cities that seemed the most modern, but I wouldn’t hesitate to stop in a town that looked like it had a good cantina or restaurant.

I wouldn’t be the typical American tourist. I’d respect the cultures, and try to observe, rather than force my culture on the people around me. I’d try not to disturb customs of the land.

I had only made it to the Panama Canal when I made it to ACWGF’s house. Once I was with her, and now that I had traversed thousands of miles in my head, I felt the odd mood lifting, and was ready to have a great time in Chicago.

I never do any of that stuff, but I frequently think about it when I drive. And any small amount of desire I have do do any of that stuff is relieved when I play Grand Theft Auto. Plus, I always think about the consequences. I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. I wouldn’t want to make anyone upset. I wouldn’t want to go to jail. Plus everything I said before about loving life. So why do I think this stuff? I’m not sure, but it does make driving to places go by a little bit more quickly.