AnonymousCoworker

So, Kmart says in this post that I threw him the table scraps of our blogging fodder conversation, when in fact I gave him the funnier comment. I called dibs on the blogs=crack comment and let him have whatever was left. I can’t remember what it was, not because it wasn’t funny, oh no, it was hysterical, but because I put it out of my head so I wouldn’t use it accidentally. Clearly Kmart’s comment was funnier, because, as you can see, this post is just side splitting. Hee-fuckin-larious.

God damnit.

No, not the cheap ass store. My roommate! Welcome to less work, less productivity, and trying to find interesting things to say about the stupid/funny things I say and do.

The remaining few are working hard to spam Towson University email accounts to recruit students to join the military. Check the back and forth between the Staff sergeant and my roommate below. I’ve reordered the emails for easy reading.

———- Original Message ———–
From: “Woodruff, David J SSG USAREC”
To:
Sent: Fri, 10 Sep 2004 11:00:01 -0400
Subject: Money for college and more
United States Army ReserveUnited States Army Recruiting CommandAN ARMY OF ONEPRESENTS> > Staff Sergeant David J. Woodruff> > Your Career Counselor for Towson University> > > >

Staff Sergeant David J. Woodruff is a native of Sayre, Pennsylvania. He graduated from Sayre Area High School in Sayre, Pennsylvania in 1992. He also attended the Pennsylvania College of Technology and earned a degree in Building Construction in 1994. He currently is majoring in Business Management with a focus in Marketing. Staff Sergeant Woodruff is married with two children.
Staff Sergeant David Woodruff joined the Army in 1994. After completing Basic Training and advanced individual training at Fort Knox, Kentucky as an Armor Crewman. He Successfully completed seven years of active duty. Upon his discharged from active duty, He joined the United States Army Reserve as a Combat Engineer assigned to United States Army Reserve Center in Elmira, New York. He currently is assigned to the Army Career Center in Towson, Maryland as the career counselor for the Baltimore Area. He has also served in Korea, Kosovo, Germany and Texas.
Staff Sergeant Woodruff is an avid fisherman, enjoys playing golf and running.
Staff Sergeant Woodruff wants to show you the benefits he has received while serving his country one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer. (College paid for, extra pay check, health care and experience job training).
If you are interested in hearing more about how the Army Reserve can help you, feel free to give Staff Sergeant Woodruff a call at [deleted].
Money for college, Student loan repayment, Adventure and Extra pay check only work one weekend a month.

—–Original Message—–
From: KMart
Sent: Friday, September 10, 2004 1:33 PM
To: Woodruff, David J SSG USAREC
Subject: Re: Money for college and more

This will reported as spam.

———- Forwarded Message ———–
From: “Woodruff, David J SSG USAREC”
To: “‘KMart’”
Sent: Fri, 10 Sep 2004 13:53:31 -0400
Subject: RE: Money for college and more

Kevin,Thanks for taking the time to respond to my email. Spam is over 20 emails at once, I send out 19 at a time. Sorry for the inconvience you may not need $66,000 plus but maybe one of your friends or class mates do. Do you think sending emails hurts you or your friends. I understand that not everyone agree’s with the Army Reserve and the defense and freedom we give you but some do. To give you a heads up if I fail to do my job you and individuals close to you may end up being drafted. I am here to prevent that, wouldn’t you agree that by taking the time to tell others about how they can get $66,000 for college is a benefit to them and prevents you from being drafted. Once everyone ran to other country now the United States has the power to go there and drag them out. Clinton put the draft act in to power during his administration basically saying you go to Canada someone will come and get you. Again sorry to inconvience you and I hope I have given you the benefit even though you may not be interested. Have a great weekend and good luck at Towson Univerity.
Sincerly, David J. Woodruff

Outside of the horrible grammar and spelling (and before you start with the “Don’t be the English/grammar police” crap, keep in mind that when I do math I don’t get to throw numbers around willy-nilly and expect everything to come out fine. There are rules people. Rules!) which should have been checked considering he is sending his emails to students at an institution of higher education, Kmart took much umbrage with the email exchange. As did I. Can this guy honestly make the claim of “a few weekends a year” when reserves are continually in danger of being shipped out? Not to mention that even though this “mission” is “accomplished” people continue to die at a nauseatingly steady rate. Is this honestly the best time to try to recruit? Also, to make similar point to Moore’s in Fahrenheit 9/11, the thing that cheesed off Kmart and I the most is that this email is targeting all the people who aren’t as well off as the rest of us. Poor kids who want to go to college take the risk, the gamble, that they won’t have to go to war. The odds are clearly against them right now. Staff sergeant, is this really the best way to get bodies right now?

Fuck Republicans, fuck the current administration, and fuck all the fucked up smoke and mirrors bullshit that we’ve been put through because of the cooperation of the aforementioned fucks and the media fuckups. Fuck service in ‘Nam. Bush fucked up catching Osama, fucked up and weakened national security, fucked our civil liberties, fucked up pre and post Iraq (whatever the fuck that means), fucked up the economy, fucked up the environment, fucked up education, fucked up science, is fucking the wall between church and state into the ground, fucked up women’s rights around the world, fucked up healthcare, and fucked our relationships with most people on this planet. Not to mention that he’s a giant fucking douchebag in general, and I hear he smells like cat piss.

Next time somebody brings up fucking swift vets for truth, or fucking TANG, or fucking whatever, just ask about that long fucking laundry list of fuckups, and watch them twist in the wind to explain why adding hundreds of thousands of jobs less than you predicted to the workforce is actually a good fucking thing. Goddamned motherfucking idiots!

Fuck count: 29
Douchebag count: 2
Outrage Fatigue: Averted
Time until Ashcroft knocks on the do…

;a jf
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Fellow patriots, I have had a change of heart. Criticizing the president is un-American. A vote for John Kerry is a vote for terrorists. France is our enemy. This statement has NOT been brought to you by a Homeland Security agent.

I have 2 sets of tickets to the 10/8 Beastie Boys show. The seats are pretty nice, and should be great with regard to sound. The seats are section 115 row L seats 3 and 4, and Section 103 row L seats 6 and 7. I’m asking $106 for each pair, which is 50 cents less than what Ticketmaster would have charged you. If you want them, let me know in comments. Also, feel free to let any friends know if they are looking for tickets. I’m putting any unsold tickets on ebay on 9/20. Here’s a seating chart.