1 UPDATE BELOW
It all started as a joke. Kmart hung a paper Corona Cinco De Mayo thingy on the one major painting hook on the main wall of the living room. I responded by hanging a No Parking sign, and a bar is open sign. Then I hung 2 street signs. Then Kmart hung a playground sign. Then we both hung some bar mirrors. Now our living room looks like a crap TGI Friday’s, with the only benefit being that our crap TGI Friday’s living room has authentic crap as opposed to the fake crap that actually adorns the walls at TGI Friday’s.
The other reason that the new decorating theme is beer is because Kmart and I spill beer. Frequently, and we haven’t been drunk in the apartment yet.
I was checking the seal on the growler of beer I had bottled in April when the bottle let out a hiss. I figured I had broken the seal so I started to open the bottle. I imagined we would finish the beer that night while rearranging the living room. As I popped the latched lid off I noticed something quite surprising. First, the lid made a loud (LOUD) pop, indicating that what sounded like a severe hiss before may have only been a small portion of the pressure contained within. The second surprise was the eruption of foam that came spewing out of what was only seconds before a very flat looking beer. Kmart was cooking behind me (see post below about that) and had no idea what was going on until the beer geyser was flowing and I was laughing out, “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.” I managed to press the lid back on hard enough to keep the beer from hitting the ceiling, but not hard enough to close the lid completely. This resulted in the old thumb-over-the-hose-nozzle effect. The beer, which I had over-primed (primer on priming), sprayed all over me, the wall, the fridge, and Kmart’s Certificate of achievement for finishing physical therapy. We’re proud of him, our breakable boy.
So we cleaned the floor while we cooked, ate dinner, and watched Outfoxed. We decided then to move the couch where the table was, and vice versa. My beer, which had been resting on the table, was moved out of the way to a box near the kitchen. We moved the table without any problem, and then proceeded to try to move the couch. The couch was super heavy, and when Kmart bent over to lift it, I heard a horrible crackling sound.
“Jesus dude, was that your back?”
“No, I think it was the couch.”
I stand up and move to get a better look at the couch. On my way over there, I see the beer, spilled. On the floor. Again.
I should have been channeling Strongsad. Wait for it. “I wish I could say that this is the first time that this has happened to me… today.”
I imagine that won’t be the last time we spill beer. The upside is, every time we spill beer, we have to clean the floor. So, at least our floors will be clean. Hopefully, you’re there the next time we spill beer.
UPDATE: My shortbus-riding younger brother would like me to inform my massive readership (pay attention both of you) that he lent me Outfoxed and I have been slow in returning it. I have 7 words for you ACWS, Rex Nebular and the Cosmic Gender Bender. Now, before I have to call the Waaahmbulance for your severe case of Baby, just relax. You’ll get it back and you can explain “Rex” in comments.
